Dinner

This was my dinner tonight, thought I'd share it with you all. Please note the only seasoning I used was fresh ginger. Any seasoning additives you wish to use will work, feel free to improvise. I never follow a recipe.

1lb Kobe Beef (Any cubed steak will work)

3 Bunches of LARGE Spinach leaves

Light extra Virgin Olive oil

2 Containers of Beef Stock

2 Bok Choy/ Celery bundles

3 Large Carrots

12 good sized button mushrooms

1 Large Sweet Blue potato

Fresh Ginger root

Cabernet Sauvignon

Start by grating some fresh ginger into a dish with the Cabernet Sauvignon add 1/2lb cubed steak into the ginger and wine mixture allow to Marinate for 30 minutes

Slice carrots, Bok Choy, and Sweet potato into largeish slices no thicker than 1/4 inch.

Start the beef stock on a burner on medium heat after adding the vegetables all at once. Let cook until stock starts to boil.

reduce heat once boil starts and add steak. allow to cook until carrots start to become soft. Allow to cook for 10 minutes form this point then serve

coat the bottom of a large frying pan with the Olive oil, Allow to heat for 30 seconds, then add the marinated steak, cook as desired. Finish by wrapping the steak in spinach leaves.

NOW

Now that you know what I had for dinner. We're all doing fine here and you won't see me writing any more about the goings on on base. Just know that we're all safe and sound here helping Japan to get back on their feet. The best source of news is at www.yokota.af.mil Now please...stop freaking out.

In Direct Support

Sendai lies in ruins, the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear plant is going down the drain, damage estimates past the 100 Billion Mark, 977 deaths so far, 170,000 evacuated, and I have never been more inspired by the United States Air Force. It all started after the 8.9 magnitude earthquake on Friday one of the most massive quakes to my knowledge. All we felt here was moderate shaking and well I thought that was it, most of us did, oh we were so wrong. The same day of the event our wheels started turning on a massive relief effort to help our host nation of Japan. Here I am on day +2 after the Sendai tsunami and we are generating airlift. They call it Operation: Tomodachi or friend in English, a more fitting moniker there could not be. Already help is arriving for the city of Sendai and affected areas, US Marines From across Japan, navy detachments from who knows where and more Air Force support at this base than I’ve ever seen in my short time here. Yet this is Day 2, the veritable tip of the iceberg, if past efforts of the Air Force are any indication we haven’t seen anything yet.

So far we’ve just been making sure that the planes can get up and go picking up essential material for the rebuilding to come and the shelters now, planes flying everywhere nonstop, supplying everything basically. In the days to come I expect to see massive coordination with the Japanese Military and civilian organizations, something on the scale of Katrina back in the states. I’m sorry but I must disagree with my brethren that are against what we’ve done so far to be perhaps overly hospitable to the units that we will likely play host to. We may not consider ourselves heroes by turning wrenches, splicing wires, and fueling planes. But for each plane we send up in the next couple of months, each plane I send up makes us all heroes to someone.

We may be in the initial stages of this as of yet we aren’t heroes to anyone on a large scale yet nor will we be soon, those of us in the maintenance group will likely never see ourselves as heroes if we look at the small limited scope of our own job and career field, we are one, we are one force working together to generate missions that will help Japan to rebuild, never have I dreamed that I would be in direct support of operations like this, nor did I want to be, who actually wants a massive disaster to happen at all? This is the time for humanity to show the best of itself to help our fellow man; our darkest hours will forge our brightest days. Maybe not on a grand scale, but those that care about it still think fondly on the Berlin airlift, and while we may not be dodging Soviet fighter jets, this is going to likely be one of the most massive Airlifts since then, it’s already getting massive watching something like this grow is absolutely inspiring to me as a junior Airman. I can only imagine how the decision makers are feeling now; stressed, worn out, yet hopefully like myself they’ve been inspired to persevere and to make an effort to help our hosts.

These are going to be some hard times, we’ve got to buckle down, do our jobs, get to work and never forget that Humanitarian relief is part of what we do, this is why we are here. When given a chance to shine, how you respond and what is in your heart when you do so will determine the effectiveness of what you do. It will determine the memorability of what everyone does, and will reflect on how the world views us all. Some people will be working because they want to get a Humanitarian Relief medal, others because they wish to be called a hero, not me. I will be out there fixing planes, changing parts, and making sure the mission goes. Not just because this is my day job, but because I feel that this is the right thing to do, there is no doubt in my mind of that fact, so I ask you out there…

How would you respond?

DISCLAIMER: The contents of this blog are not the Opinion of the United States Air force or the Department of Defense. The views expressed there in are solely those of the author.

Justice?

With recent events that have transpired tonight I find myself asking if justice has been done. Who knows maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. I’ve received the punishment coming to me and I am unsure if it is fair or not. I know that punishment of sorts can be light every now and again and this time it feels that way, admittedly being restricted to base for 30 days hurts me quite a bit. I won’t be able to photograph at the Fashionweek and because of that I will not be able to take the pictures and sell them to (insert name of fashion magazine) so I can kiss a very conservative few hundred good bye right then and there. And oh yeah, the Cherry blossom festivals so yeah I’ll need to get creative with my work on base in such a way to edit out any overly identifying features and still produce high quality work that I intend on selling.

The other hit comes in a demotion; it’s mostly the symbolism that hurts me the most. Sure I’ll be losing roughly 5,000 USD over the course of the time it’ll take to gain my rank back but if I play my cards right with photography I can make more than that. Huge IF there. BUT what really hurts me is the symbolism of being demoted, and it is the commanders reasoning that ‘I cannot be trusted’ that really hits hard for me. I have tried hard to prove that I can be trusted; I always try to show that I am a good person, and that I have personal responsibility, but being told that I can’t be trusted stings. It’s hard to not take that as an insult but I must look at things objectively and from my Commanders view point. I realize that punishment was absolutely necessary in order to instill the proper behavior, but to be called untrustworthy is something else that I cannot adequately describe.

I do not feel angry though; all I feel really is a mix of disappointment, confusion, and satisfaction. I feel disappointment because I have let many people including myself down to levels that feel like God’s disappointment in Lucifer when he was cast down. The confusion stems from wondering whether or not this is all fair, and either way I will be discussing this with legal as such things are too complex for those untrained in the legal profession to decide adequately. I want to appeal the loss of m rank, but someplace in the back of my mind is against that, and another part of me is curious if that is just a sense of selfishness taking over the old ‘but it’s mine’ mentality left in all of us from our childhood days. I thought I’d outgrown that, and there’s another part of my disappointment in myself, that I don’t yet seem to be fully matured into an adult yet based on how I feel when something of mine is taken away, and finally the satisfaction, of a morbid sense of affirmative premonition. I was both wrong and right about a few things I was right that I haven’t been stuck in jail, I was right that meeting with my commander face to face may have helped, and I was right that a discharge isn’t pending, (sorry for those of you who hate me). Those are the petty reasons for satisfaction again, the rest are a little more sadomasochistic, from here on out since I’ve been kicked to the bottom of the pit I am satisfied that every positive action I accomplish will help me climb out of it, I am satisfied that I will continue to serve at least for a time through all of that the overriding sense of myself right now is one of ‘doom and gloom’ partly brought on by a very small amount of soju. I have said it before that I am disappointed in myself at my actions, absolutely I am, and I feel that my time in the military is swiftly running out, and it very likely is, but I’ll try to do a good job as that’s all that I can do.

All of that said I’ll try to not let my situation, or others, get the better of me. If I start walking around in a deep funk somebody please slap me upside the head and tell me to shape up. But by the same token I don’t intend to take any s*** from anyone. If you wish to give me any run it by my supervisor. I’ve worked hard to get my anger issues under control and I’ve been better at it, but I will not allow anything to resurface due to what happened with me. You want to give me any bad vibes here go ahead and do so; they make ‘delete’ buttons for a reason. If you work with me you know who is in charge of me so take it up with them, I won’t take anyone’s disrespect nor will I dish any.

Now, hopefully for a change of pace and topic…..I’ll …I can’t really think of anything aside from the fact I’ll have the opportunity to finally finish Don Quixote, Atlas Shrugged, and the plethora of other pieces of literature I am currently working through. I’ll also have the chance to refine my photography skills, and again everything from here on out will be obnoxiously watermarked as I intend to use my work as a source of supplementary income. While I am typically against the use of artwork in commercialization and for pure monetary gain, it seems that I may have to move in that direction, and for once I have no issue with ‘selling out’ especially as the most I’ll likely be is a freelancer. There’s no ‘selling out’ if you don’t get a regular paycheck from someone. But ah well, guess I’ll just have to learn to love pissing off hipsters and skillfully maneuvering around copyright laws.

Something new, something old, sometimes secrets are better told…

Well so I’ve spent a huge chunk of change albeit stupidly but at least I paid cash as much as possible so there’s a plus right there. The money was spent on some investments though, in a Carbon Fiber monopod for my camera, new lens at half the cost in the US and all. Purchasing the lens marks the second time I’ve been asked for my passport by a sales clerk, alright fine, I’m tall, white, and have very short hair apparently that doesn’t translate to ‘military’ especially since when I go off base I try to dress well. Who knew trying to look decent diverted some attention. So I had to show my military ID and say ‘Yokota-kichi’ (Yokota Base) to the clerk to let them know I lived here. Never shopping at that store again, or at least I’ll be avoiding otherwise imported goods. I’ll also be spending some more money to help out my GF which she knows about, hey I’ve always thought that love required sacrifices, a normal sleeping pattern and some small amount of money is a bargain to pay for love I say. Moving on Shall we? So here’s some pictures I used the new lens for, it’s a SIGMA 70-300 mm Macro-telephoto lens and I made sure to put it through its paces.

Pictures are as follows in no particular order, An Akita, cherry blossoms, the Tama monorail out of Tachikawa Station, and the entrance/concourse of Showa-Kinen Park as well as the cultural center of it, (Showa memorial park) which seems to commemorate the late Emperor Showa or as the western world knows him, Hirohito. Fitting I think that the grounds of the park take up part of what used to be an Area of Tachikawa Air Base which started out as a Japanese Army airfield, was ceded to the United States, then handed back in the 1970’s very fitting I think. Wish I knew more history of the area will really have to learn Japanese while I am here, for however long that is.

Now about that last bit who knows how long I’ll stay here in Japan anyway with the Air Force reducing manning and the paper trail I’ve accumulated I feel that my hourglass is swiftly running out. Now not to beat a dead horse, but I enjoy my job when I do it and my time off as for the rest of my time in the military it is little more than a steady job to me. I try to be honest about it if politically correct. Sure that doesn’t mean I don’t TRY to do a good job but well, I know that I am far from being the best example of a service member out there especially as I seem to care more about my secondary professional interests (photography). And well this is true, in all honesty should I be allowed to actually have time off at all the week of the 20th -25th (japan time) I’ll be photographing at the 12th Annual Japan Fashionweek and I’m already contacting several major publications about the process for submitting freelance work. As far as what publications I’ve been contacting, just name a fashion magazine, lifestyle section in newspapers, etc…I’m sure someone would be willing to purchase some high quality freelancers work….sure I do stand to make a good chunk of change off of that but I’ll be happy if I break the 100 USD mark, that would being a word, fabulous, with all the sequins and farting glitter that word implies. May not happen, would be awesome if it goes through but in all honesty if it doesn’t I’ve only I to blame and well punishments are called such for a reason.

So a word to the wise, nice guys always finish last, but finishing first isn’t worth the scorched earth. That said I wouldn’t change being nice at all, just everything I’ve done to shoot myself in the foot. After all Karma is a bitch you do one good thing and have two bad happen, do one bad thing and pay forever. As an aside I was looking at my Grandfathers old A1C stripes, he also got out when the AF was downsizing, at the same rank that I currently hold. I think he served just three years also, maybe that’s a sign? It could be sure, but the secondary professional opportunities here in Tokyo are numerous enough that I won’t take that chance. I’ve gotten this far by the seat of my pants, sheer good luck, a smile, good attitude, and someone’s both real and metaphysical watching my back. Let’s see what I can accomplish if I put as much effort into my primary career as I’ve been doing for my secondary.

Oh and all of my pictures can be seen here. Please contact me if you wish to use my work, from this point forward everything will be obnoxiously watermarked.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/58409124@N03/

I don't know what to say....

I don’t know what to say.

At least in the sense that I don’t know the specific phrasing to use to put everything in perspective. When life feels like you’ve been hit with a concrete block, each piece of the gritty texture tearing into you and clearing away the old rough parts leaving things new and raw under the surface exposed to the cold air, exhilarating, worrisome, and familiar all at the same time. Yet at the same time nothing feels the same this time around. I’ve made mistakes all of my life and I seem to live for the little lulls in between the feelings of anxiety caused by my mistakes. If there’s one thing to be said about messing up, it’s that when things go right they feel amazing and to relish such a feeling of things going your way is almost like feeling a cool breeze on a hot day.

Speaking of old mistakes one my most common ones is re-opening old wounds so that they never heal. I’ve done so over the last day or two talking to a former similarly employed person, I hesitate to use the term co-worker as the mutual fact is known that we’re immiscible in any capacity. In a brief conversation that can only be described as abusive, I found myself wondering, ‘Just who is the bigger man, and what determines that?’ While there is no good answer and either side will come up with their own answer I believe the best option was the ‘block’ button at least for now, and extensive evasion in situation where we may meet, though the other side of the coin and I rightly feel that I know enough about the person in question, would feel that my death is the best option. And in all honesty I do feel correct in my assumptions here. Though as to who is the bigger man? So far as I am concerned it is neither of us as one personality has a superiority complex as well as extensive issues relating to basic manners, in my opinion anyway. And I have chosen the avoidance option, however, that is of course after trying to deal with the issues in a polite manner. Sure, there are people that will never get along, yet nobody need be hostile, to do so is only a waste of effort. All conflicts are avoidable; I’ve been a firm believer in that for many years. As for my other mistakes, they’re all of a more general nature, nothing worth talking about really so I’ll just move on to the next topic then.

As far as things that are going right, well this is where things feel like that cool breeze after a hard work out on a blisteringly hot day. For one, I’ve managed to get my girlfriend a few perfect gifts for her Birthday/Valentine’s day, which I am actually quite proud of. While you needn’t know exactly what said gifts were, know that they were of a more thoughtful nature, and while not complete surprises to her they couldn’t have been more appreciated. Something else that is going right, at least potentially. I used to be a photography major in college, or at least was on that track, major or not I have more than enough skill to do what needs to be done in an artistic and professional manner. And considering I live in the Tokyo area now it makes perfect sense to attend the 12^th Japan Fashion week as an International Photographer. Pictures will be posted here of course, I also plan on contacting a few newspapers to try and sell the fruits of my labor, and well hopefully I’ll be successful in that regard. In not I’ll simply gain a slight amount of experience in Fashion Photography over the two days that I’ll be able to attend Fashion week. Sure, I am spending a bit on equipment, new lens, monopod, quick release base for the monopod, and some lens filters, perhaps a new flash thrown in there, but it will increase the scope of what I’ll be able to do so far as my longer range photography is concerned. So for me, either way, being able to attend it or not it is a win/win. Or at least is according to where I stand, as much as I’d love both new equipment and being able to attend fashion week (I’m already registered as an official photographer) I’ll take either of those options any day of the week. Other things that are going right include my cooking and fitness. I've been experimenting with cooking, fish predominantly as it's cheap and i know how to cook it, at least for the basics. The experimenting comes form the side dishes I make. Week one that i cooked the side dish was Matsutake mushrooms and apples cooked in cider, which came out excellent. And just this Sunday the side dish was carrots and mushrooms cooked in white wine, with the same type of fish for the meat. In all honesty I'd love to share my cooking, yet i don't know anyone willing to try my cooking. I promise, I won't kill you. For having an under equipped kitchen set, and improvising my dishes and preparation utensils, I do have a great eye for ingredients and how to cook things, note that I do everything off the cuff, so if you want to try my cooking and don't mind a chef that experiments, and live in my dorm, let me know, i'll cook dinner for you.

I’ll close with this because I’d rather you not have to read more than about 1000 words for this post. Nobody is perfect, nothing goes flawlessly, and opinions are always wrong looking from the perspective of someone else. My suggestion is simple here, do what you feel is right, legal, and just, you’ve lived as you should, people can tell you how to live according to their views on right and wrong, but they aren’t you, nobody is you, none of you are me, and all of us are always wrong according to someone.

Change and consequences

Things need to change, and they need to change now or my time in Japan is up in 90 days. I know making this public may be seen as an illogical step for some, but I am not doing this to be brooding and melodramatic, I am doing this to open up and hopefully remove some weight from my chest. Hopefully this works, writing has always been therapeutic for me. Some may see this as a cry for help, and it is to some degree, but I am not suicidal. I have psychological issues, not stupid issues.

Back in May, May 13^th 200 9 at about 1:30 Pm, I was making a left hand turn on a back country road when I was struck by a motorcycle. I’d done everything right, stopped, signaled, looked in all directions at least twice and I proceeded on when that motorcycle flew over the crest of the hill while I was in the middle of my turn and there was nothing I could have done. After checking myself over and not feeling anything I proceeded to force my car door open and check on the motorcyclists. Rushing over to them like any good first responder I did everything the Air force had trained me to do, check for consciousness, breathing, circulation. I got as far as consciousness when the man that lived by the road came to assist; shortly thereafter I called my father and my Supervisor to let them know the situation. I’d called an ambulance while checking on the people.

The woman died at the scene and the driver died while being airlifted to a hospital. I’m proud of myself that I tried to help. But what will really stay with me wasn’t pulling glass out of my own arm, not seeing my car totaled, not the surrealism of calling my father to let him know what happened, but looking into the eyes of that man as he lay there on the asphalt. Looking into those blue grey eyes wide with shock has stayed with me since then and still affects me to this day.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from this incident and it is affecting me. To say that things are easy for me as far as dealing with it would be a lie as it’s affected me professionally even though I told myself that it hadn’t. Sure I’ve been sleeping well for all I know, and my appetite hasn’t been affected by it, but it has made an impact on me, One that may cost me my career in the Air Force. My command believes, and I agree, that this has affected me in all aspects of my professional life. As I said, I agree with that I need to sort out my anger issues, continue to seek help for my PTSD, and finish my upgrade training as well as proving that I’m a good person and a good Airman. I have 90 days before I go up before the MAJCOM and they decide my future in the Air Force, that if I do not show great improvement within those 90 days. But what really gets my goat is that my supervision feels that I may be a danger to myself or others. I may have psychological issues, but I don’t have stupid issues.

My immediate issue is this, personal faith. I know that people always say ‘if you can believe it you can do it”, Bullsh**. Someone can say something all they want and have it not make a lick of difference without true and honest faith in oneself. I do not have that faith in myself, not anymore. What I need to do is find that faith from someplace or from someone and I have a good idea who those someone’s are that might be able to help me. I will do everything I can to speak with them and find the inspiration I need. It may take time, I may have found it already and not noticed, but you know what? I’ll do everything I can to forge a new me.

So to you all I say good bye. While such a thing has a final ring to it, and I have a pragmatic, bordering on fatalistic view of things, this is not a good bye to this mortal coil, merely a good bye to this life as I know it now. I will be reborn a new man tomorrow morning, not one wallowing in self-doubt and guilt but one looking forward for inspiration. I’ve already found some trying to piece it all together, I have to just get through it all and forge myself into somebody new. I say good bye to you now as the old Matthew, and hello to you as the new.

Observations and Life in Japan

Well to start off my shipment of household goods would seem to have arrived, if anything I’m quite happy about that, so I was finally able to implement my plan to brush up on my photography skills and get out into town and take pictures. I felt really gung ho about it and took a chunk of yen out of the bank for ‘walking around’ money, and my camera an old model Canon EOS Rebel X2. I took on the order of 500 or so and as most photographers are wont to do only used a tiny fraction of them. I’ll generally use 1 out of each set of pictures, so I should have 35 usable shots, I have far fewer than that. Because it seems my camera/lenses are broke, namely the autofocusing feature. So I’ll have to get those replaced, fun time, not looking forward to paying the price for those good here in Japan, at least I can just go to Akihabara and get what I need.

If anything living here in japan has changed my perspective on a few things that most people will consider ‘normal’ and take for granted, the biggest thing would of course be the langage, being American and having lived in the States, namely the Midwest for most of my life I’ve generally come to expect that most people will speak English as a first language. Of course I’m not expecting to be able to communicate 100%, but well that’s one thing to get used to. Also actually being the ‘foreigner’ is another big thing for me, especially as I’m a ‘big’ foreigner, not fat,, just tall. Hence the blog title…I’ll get lost is a huge group of people, but I’ll still stand out. And here is where the difference is big, but in a great way. Portion size, having all of these meals in japan is quite refreshing, small, filling, generally pretty healthy and it all tastes amazing so far. Then I went to the Chili’s on base the other night and couldn’t finish my meal as it was like 3 ‘japanese’ meals.

Fresh fruits and prosciutto Salad from Forbidden fruit


I will say that I really enjoy Tokyo and the environment, the food is awesome, and generally looks good as you’ll see here. I had a nice salad in a little café place called ‘Forbidden fruit’ while I was down in Harajuku. However eating isn’t all that I did while I was down there, also picked up a brand new coat, just a nice sport coat like design. I will say this, it feels nice wearing designer clothes. By the way, I didn’t find out about this issue until I uploaded the pictures and found out that most of the pictures were incredibly blurry. *sighs* At least I got a few of them post worthy, so yeah…gratuitous pictures in 3….2….1….

And here's my Flickr for more http://www.flickr.com/photos/58409124@N03/


The Meiji Shrine





Dinner (Udon noodles and tempura fried eggplant)




An expensive cake 'worth' 40 USD