In Direct Support

Sendai lies in ruins, the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear plant is going down the drain, damage estimates past the 100 Billion Mark, 977 deaths so far, 170,000 evacuated, and I have never been more inspired by the United States Air Force. It all started after the 8.9 magnitude earthquake on Friday one of the most massive quakes to my knowledge. All we felt here was moderate shaking and well I thought that was it, most of us did, oh we were so wrong. The same day of the event our wheels started turning on a massive relief effort to help our host nation of Japan. Here I am on day +2 after the Sendai tsunami and we are generating airlift. They call it Operation: Tomodachi or friend in English, a more fitting moniker there could not be. Already help is arriving for the city of Sendai and affected areas, US Marines From across Japan, navy detachments from who knows where and more Air Force support at this base than I’ve ever seen in my short time here. Yet this is Day 2, the veritable tip of the iceberg, if past efforts of the Air Force are any indication we haven’t seen anything yet.

So far we’ve just been making sure that the planes can get up and go picking up essential material for the rebuilding to come and the shelters now, planes flying everywhere nonstop, supplying everything basically. In the days to come I expect to see massive coordination with the Japanese Military and civilian organizations, something on the scale of Katrina back in the states. I’m sorry but I must disagree with my brethren that are against what we’ve done so far to be perhaps overly hospitable to the units that we will likely play host to. We may not consider ourselves heroes by turning wrenches, splicing wires, and fueling planes. But for each plane we send up in the next couple of months, each plane I send up makes us all heroes to someone.

We may be in the initial stages of this as of yet we aren’t heroes to anyone on a large scale yet nor will we be soon, those of us in the maintenance group will likely never see ourselves as heroes if we look at the small limited scope of our own job and career field, we are one, we are one force working together to generate missions that will help Japan to rebuild, never have I dreamed that I would be in direct support of operations like this, nor did I want to be, who actually wants a massive disaster to happen at all? This is the time for humanity to show the best of itself to help our fellow man; our darkest hours will forge our brightest days. Maybe not on a grand scale, but those that care about it still think fondly on the Berlin airlift, and while we may not be dodging Soviet fighter jets, this is going to likely be one of the most massive Airlifts since then, it’s already getting massive watching something like this grow is absolutely inspiring to me as a junior Airman. I can only imagine how the decision makers are feeling now; stressed, worn out, yet hopefully like myself they’ve been inspired to persevere and to make an effort to help our hosts.

These are going to be some hard times, we’ve got to buckle down, do our jobs, get to work and never forget that Humanitarian relief is part of what we do, this is why we are here. When given a chance to shine, how you respond and what is in your heart when you do so will determine the effectiveness of what you do. It will determine the memorability of what everyone does, and will reflect on how the world views us all. Some people will be working because they want to get a Humanitarian Relief medal, others because they wish to be called a hero, not me. I will be out there fixing planes, changing parts, and making sure the mission goes. Not just because this is my day job, but because I feel that this is the right thing to do, there is no doubt in my mind of that fact, so I ask you out there…

How would you respond?

DISCLAIMER: The contents of this blog are not the Opinion of the United States Air force or the Department of Defense. The views expressed there in are solely those of the author.

Change and consequences

Things need to change, and they need to change now or my time in Japan is up in 90 days. I know making this public may be seen as an illogical step for some, but I am not doing this to be brooding and melodramatic, I am doing this to open up and hopefully remove some weight from my chest. Hopefully this works, writing has always been therapeutic for me. Some may see this as a cry for help, and it is to some degree, but I am not suicidal. I have psychological issues, not stupid issues.

Back in May, May 13^th 200 9 at about 1:30 Pm, I was making a left hand turn on a back country road when I was struck by a motorcycle. I’d done everything right, stopped, signaled, looked in all directions at least twice and I proceeded on when that motorcycle flew over the crest of the hill while I was in the middle of my turn and there was nothing I could have done. After checking myself over and not feeling anything I proceeded to force my car door open and check on the motorcyclists. Rushing over to them like any good first responder I did everything the Air force had trained me to do, check for consciousness, breathing, circulation. I got as far as consciousness when the man that lived by the road came to assist; shortly thereafter I called my father and my Supervisor to let them know the situation. I’d called an ambulance while checking on the people.

The woman died at the scene and the driver died while being airlifted to a hospital. I’m proud of myself that I tried to help. But what will really stay with me wasn’t pulling glass out of my own arm, not seeing my car totaled, not the surrealism of calling my father to let him know what happened, but looking into the eyes of that man as he lay there on the asphalt. Looking into those blue grey eyes wide with shock has stayed with me since then and still affects me to this day.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from this incident and it is affecting me. To say that things are easy for me as far as dealing with it would be a lie as it’s affected me professionally even though I told myself that it hadn’t. Sure I’ve been sleeping well for all I know, and my appetite hasn’t been affected by it, but it has made an impact on me, One that may cost me my career in the Air Force. My command believes, and I agree, that this has affected me in all aspects of my professional life. As I said, I agree with that I need to sort out my anger issues, continue to seek help for my PTSD, and finish my upgrade training as well as proving that I’m a good person and a good Airman. I have 90 days before I go up before the MAJCOM and they decide my future in the Air Force, that if I do not show great improvement within those 90 days. But what really gets my goat is that my supervision feels that I may be a danger to myself or others. I may have psychological issues, but I don’t have stupid issues.

My immediate issue is this, personal faith. I know that people always say ‘if you can believe it you can do it”, Bullsh**. Someone can say something all they want and have it not make a lick of difference without true and honest faith in oneself. I do not have that faith in myself, not anymore. What I need to do is find that faith from someplace or from someone and I have a good idea who those someone’s are that might be able to help me. I will do everything I can to speak with them and find the inspiration I need. It may take time, I may have found it already and not noticed, but you know what? I’ll do everything I can to forge a new me.

So to you all I say good bye. While such a thing has a final ring to it, and I have a pragmatic, bordering on fatalistic view of things, this is not a good bye to this mortal coil, merely a good bye to this life as I know it now. I will be reborn a new man tomorrow morning, not one wallowing in self-doubt and guilt but one looking forward for inspiration. I’ve already found some trying to piece it all together, I have to just get through it all and forge myself into somebody new. I say good bye to you now as the old Matthew, and hello to you as the new.