In order to make an Apple Pie...

In order to make an apple pie...

Clichéd I know, I also don't care. I seized the chance to test out my rib recipe, which I didn't even have created until Friday the 13th at about 4:30 PM. usually to be a good chef you have to follow the rules to then be allowed to break the rules, but I've never followed the rules and I'm a good chef, and the only rule I've followed is 'red means hot'. Everything else to cooking isn't sacred to me, never has been, that's why I whipped up the currently secret recipe of 'Pawesum Soz' my BBQ rib sauce which contains a whopping +25% Alc. Yeah... It should of course be no surprise that that due to that fact and my methods of extreme care taken in cooking my ribs where a friend of mine said 'I'm waiting for you to start massaging them' wound up winning me the cook-off for my squadron. believe me, I'd LOVE to work as a chef, but I couldn't innovate unless given the chance, thing is all I do is innovate, recipes are sins to me....unless it's baked goods, that would just end badly.... let's leave how to our collective imaginations then shall we?

(insert gratuitous pictures of meat)

Mine are in the lower right corner.

Anyway, because of my innate cooking abilities, yes I'm bragging, and my Pawesum Soz, I'll be competing at the base level for $1,000.00 USD for my squadron, here's hoping that these are awesome enough to win it. Even if I don't win, second place would be fine, never really done any sort of a cook-off before, and I don't know whether I'm still drunk on the sauce, or my ego has swelled to gargantuan proportions, but I'll do the best I can and try to win it.

speaking of doing the best I can, well here's hoping the future proceeds according to the plans of whatever mysterious stranger is at my back, be it an angel, a chief, a colonel, general, or god himself... I couldn't tell you how many chances I've had all I know is that I've well exceeded my second. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, be thankful, or to become paranoid and believe that I'm some plaything of fate living in a castle in the sky. and if all we are playthings of beings dwelling in castles in the sky why has nobody noticed? Are we so tied up in lemon drops and gumdrops that we can't recognize the sugar floss binging us to the paper cone that is reality? I know, strange analogy, but I'm in a very strange state of mind right now, I have no clue if I should be relieved, hopeful, or keep up my typical cynical veneer? well cynicism has served me well thus far so I'll just wait to see in which direction the great taffy puller moves me.

Ok, enough with the ham fisted candy analogies...there's a mental image! Ham fisted candy....

I'll just keep my typical cynical self as the primary front and just plan for both outcomes, and of course the un-seeable third and fourth, whatever happens the future will be fun. And I'll try to stay upbeat about anything I do between now and then, whenever then is. Isn't that the one all encompassing question? What happens then? that has to be it doesn't it? What happens when we do, move, learn, love, laugh, and die. What happens then? does it really need to be such a metaphysical question or can it be something so rooted in the stone of logic that nothing can effectively grasp it? Perhaps not even then, maybe it doesn't need to be grasped, or what we can perceive is so massive that to us it's immovable and all encompassing, but to the next level there is something else? I'm reminded of the world tree, Yggdrasil, it grew with its branches encompassing Asgard, Midgard rooted around the middle, and Hel near the bottom. To what then was Yggdrasil rooted? As the 34 stanza of the Poetic Edda states "on that tree of which no man knows where it's roots run" begs the question, if the world as we know it is supported by Yggdrasil, what supports it? Which to me begs the question and simply put, 'Once we have perceived all the universe what then?" That is the question of which I speak. as Carl Sagan said "in order to make an apple pie, you must first create the universe", as far as I'm concerned that can be taken to mean that you can't understand anything without understanding everything.

Take from this what you will about me, but I hold no illusions about the future, the present, or the past, after all to grasp the concept of an illusion you must first grasp the concept of reality, and when things are so fleeting, so ephemeral as to said that they barely matter or have barely existed at all, can you honestly say that you know what reality is when you're bound to only one form?

I'm going through changes...

Well, I’ve been going through some changes in my life. I know what you’re thinking.. ‘He’s hit puberty finally!’ Ah…no…no that’s not it at all you jokers you. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching since the 11^th and since the 13^th as well, just about everything in general. I’ve slowly begun to realize that some motives I’ve had have been more petty than anything else, and that’s going to change, no seriously. I’ve realized that while I’m not a medal chaser, or a skirt chaser my goals in being in have been for positive recognition. Actually got my ego sated the other day when during a talk with a Japanese man he called the United states and I quote ‘you USA you big damn hero country, thank you.’ It broke my heart to not just be able to say that well ‘im getting out’.

So there it is I am indeed getting out, sure it’s early but I was never a good fit as a mechanic, and hell I know it, Doesn’t mean that I didn’t try to do my best and to be a positive force at work. Who knows maybe it’s for the best for everyone else. I don’t know about everyone else though. For me, I’m still searching for ‘the best’ for me and I’m going back to photography to try and find myself. Yes I said it I said ‘try and find myself’, and I don’t mean in a washed out and dropped out, do a lot of illegal drugs manner. I’m legitimately going to try getting a job as a photographer and I am actually already in the process of job hunting and resume/portfolio building. I’ve already begun to pad my portfolio with pictures from Ueno Park and the Imperial Palace. That coupled with some of the other work I’ve done, while not likely a plethora of selection, I believe quite strongly that it is a varied and strong portfolio. All I need is a little more portrait work in it and I’ll be fine.

If I could have done thing differently in my short career in the military it’s this, put my foot down. I shouldn’t have debated it with my recruiter, I should have gone for photography hands down, and that’s it. While it’s nice being stationed as a mechanic in Japan, I’d much rather do what I love at my job, instead of only loving parts of my job. Though I will say this, I did encounter an actual ‘work’ side to my photography over the last two days in the editing and post. Nothing could have made the editing and marking of 1229 pictures any easier. Things have been made easier though as I’ve got a good friend that has decided to let me host a website on his server and that’s exactly what I am doing. Once the site is operational you can find me here.

http://www.verseless-photography.com/

Yeah that’s right verseless photography. I’m a brand now people. Right now the site just has a mess of redirect and search links on it, but that’s because it isn’t operational yet, right now my goals are thus, network, commercialize myself, and sell my work either solo or to an employer. Now…that said, if anyone wishes to purchase any of my work before the site goes operation shoot me an e-mail at tower.007@hotmail .com and we can talk. So here’s my flickr link http://www.flickr.com/photos/58409124@N03/ and here’s some gratuitous (and watermarked) pictures.

Justice?

With recent events that have transpired tonight I find myself asking if justice has been done. Who knows maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. I’ve received the punishment coming to me and I am unsure if it is fair or not. I know that punishment of sorts can be light every now and again and this time it feels that way, admittedly being restricted to base for 30 days hurts me quite a bit. I won’t be able to photograph at the Fashionweek and because of that I will not be able to take the pictures and sell them to (insert name of fashion magazine) so I can kiss a very conservative few hundred good bye right then and there. And oh yeah, the Cherry blossom festivals so yeah I’ll need to get creative with my work on base in such a way to edit out any overly identifying features and still produce high quality work that I intend on selling.

The other hit comes in a demotion; it’s mostly the symbolism that hurts me the most. Sure I’ll be losing roughly 5,000 USD over the course of the time it’ll take to gain my rank back but if I play my cards right with photography I can make more than that. Huge IF there. BUT what really hurts me is the symbolism of being demoted, and it is the commanders reasoning that ‘I cannot be trusted’ that really hits hard for me. I have tried hard to prove that I can be trusted; I always try to show that I am a good person, and that I have personal responsibility, but being told that I can’t be trusted stings. It’s hard to not take that as an insult but I must look at things objectively and from my Commanders view point. I realize that punishment was absolutely necessary in order to instill the proper behavior, but to be called untrustworthy is something else that I cannot adequately describe.

I do not feel angry though; all I feel really is a mix of disappointment, confusion, and satisfaction. I feel disappointment because I have let many people including myself down to levels that feel like God’s disappointment in Lucifer when he was cast down. The confusion stems from wondering whether or not this is all fair, and either way I will be discussing this with legal as such things are too complex for those untrained in the legal profession to decide adequately. I want to appeal the loss of m rank, but someplace in the back of my mind is against that, and another part of me is curious if that is just a sense of selfishness taking over the old ‘but it’s mine’ mentality left in all of us from our childhood days. I thought I’d outgrown that, and there’s another part of my disappointment in myself, that I don’t yet seem to be fully matured into an adult yet based on how I feel when something of mine is taken away, and finally the satisfaction, of a morbid sense of affirmative premonition. I was both wrong and right about a few things I was right that I haven’t been stuck in jail, I was right that meeting with my commander face to face may have helped, and I was right that a discharge isn’t pending, (sorry for those of you who hate me). Those are the petty reasons for satisfaction again, the rest are a little more sadomasochistic, from here on out since I’ve been kicked to the bottom of the pit I am satisfied that every positive action I accomplish will help me climb out of it, I am satisfied that I will continue to serve at least for a time through all of that the overriding sense of myself right now is one of ‘doom and gloom’ partly brought on by a very small amount of soju. I have said it before that I am disappointed in myself at my actions, absolutely I am, and I feel that my time in the military is swiftly running out, and it very likely is, but I’ll try to do a good job as that’s all that I can do.

All of that said I’ll try to not let my situation, or others, get the better of me. If I start walking around in a deep funk somebody please slap me upside the head and tell me to shape up. But by the same token I don’t intend to take any s*** from anyone. If you wish to give me any run it by my supervisor. I’ve worked hard to get my anger issues under control and I’ve been better at it, but I will not allow anything to resurface due to what happened with me. You want to give me any bad vibes here go ahead and do so; they make ‘delete’ buttons for a reason. If you work with me you know who is in charge of me so take it up with them, I won’t take anyone’s disrespect nor will I dish any.

Now, hopefully for a change of pace and topic…..I’ll …I can’t really think of anything aside from the fact I’ll have the opportunity to finally finish Don Quixote, Atlas Shrugged, and the plethora of other pieces of literature I am currently working through. I’ll also have the chance to refine my photography skills, and again everything from here on out will be obnoxiously watermarked as I intend to use my work as a source of supplementary income. While I am typically against the use of artwork in commercialization and for pure monetary gain, it seems that I may have to move in that direction, and for once I have no issue with ‘selling out’ especially as the most I’ll likely be is a freelancer. There’s no ‘selling out’ if you don’t get a regular paycheck from someone. But ah well, guess I’ll just have to learn to love pissing off hipsters and skillfully maneuvering around copyright laws.

Something new, something old, sometimes secrets are better told…

Well so I’ve spent a huge chunk of change albeit stupidly but at least I paid cash as much as possible so there’s a plus right there. The money was spent on some investments though, in a Carbon Fiber monopod for my camera, new lens at half the cost in the US and all. Purchasing the lens marks the second time I’ve been asked for my passport by a sales clerk, alright fine, I’m tall, white, and have very short hair apparently that doesn’t translate to ‘military’ especially since when I go off base I try to dress well. Who knew trying to look decent diverted some attention. So I had to show my military ID and say ‘Yokota-kichi’ (Yokota Base) to the clerk to let them know I lived here. Never shopping at that store again, or at least I’ll be avoiding otherwise imported goods. I’ll also be spending some more money to help out my GF which she knows about, hey I’ve always thought that love required sacrifices, a normal sleeping pattern and some small amount of money is a bargain to pay for love I say. Moving on Shall we? So here’s some pictures I used the new lens for, it’s a SIGMA 70-300 mm Macro-telephoto lens and I made sure to put it through its paces.

Pictures are as follows in no particular order, An Akita, cherry blossoms, the Tama monorail out of Tachikawa Station, and the entrance/concourse of Showa-Kinen Park as well as the cultural center of it, (Showa memorial park) which seems to commemorate the late Emperor Showa or as the western world knows him, Hirohito. Fitting I think that the grounds of the park take up part of what used to be an Area of Tachikawa Air Base which started out as a Japanese Army airfield, was ceded to the United States, then handed back in the 1970’s very fitting I think. Wish I knew more history of the area will really have to learn Japanese while I am here, for however long that is.

Now about that last bit who knows how long I’ll stay here in Japan anyway with the Air Force reducing manning and the paper trail I’ve accumulated I feel that my hourglass is swiftly running out. Now not to beat a dead horse, but I enjoy my job when I do it and my time off as for the rest of my time in the military it is little more than a steady job to me. I try to be honest about it if politically correct. Sure that doesn’t mean I don’t TRY to do a good job but well, I know that I am far from being the best example of a service member out there especially as I seem to care more about my secondary professional interests (photography). And well this is true, in all honesty should I be allowed to actually have time off at all the week of the 20th -25th (japan time) I’ll be photographing at the 12th Annual Japan Fashionweek and I’m already contacting several major publications about the process for submitting freelance work. As far as what publications I’ve been contacting, just name a fashion magazine, lifestyle section in newspapers, etc…I’m sure someone would be willing to purchase some high quality freelancers work….sure I do stand to make a good chunk of change off of that but I’ll be happy if I break the 100 USD mark, that would being a word, fabulous, with all the sequins and farting glitter that word implies. May not happen, would be awesome if it goes through but in all honesty if it doesn’t I’ve only I to blame and well punishments are called such for a reason.

So a word to the wise, nice guys always finish last, but finishing first isn’t worth the scorched earth. That said I wouldn’t change being nice at all, just everything I’ve done to shoot myself in the foot. After all Karma is a bitch you do one good thing and have two bad happen, do one bad thing and pay forever. As an aside I was looking at my Grandfathers old A1C stripes, he also got out when the AF was downsizing, at the same rank that I currently hold. I think he served just three years also, maybe that’s a sign? It could be sure, but the secondary professional opportunities here in Tokyo are numerous enough that I won’t take that chance. I’ve gotten this far by the seat of my pants, sheer good luck, a smile, good attitude, and someone’s both real and metaphysical watching my back. Let’s see what I can accomplish if I put as much effort into my primary career as I’ve been doing for my secondary.

Oh and all of my pictures can be seen here. Please contact me if you wish to use my work, from this point forward everything will be obnoxiously watermarked.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/58409124@N03/

I don't know what to say....

I don’t know what to say.

At least in the sense that I don’t know the specific phrasing to use to put everything in perspective. When life feels like you’ve been hit with a concrete block, each piece of the gritty texture tearing into you and clearing away the old rough parts leaving things new and raw under the surface exposed to the cold air, exhilarating, worrisome, and familiar all at the same time. Yet at the same time nothing feels the same this time around. I’ve made mistakes all of my life and I seem to live for the little lulls in between the feelings of anxiety caused by my mistakes. If there’s one thing to be said about messing up, it’s that when things go right they feel amazing and to relish such a feeling of things going your way is almost like feeling a cool breeze on a hot day.

Speaking of old mistakes one my most common ones is re-opening old wounds so that they never heal. I’ve done so over the last day or two talking to a former similarly employed person, I hesitate to use the term co-worker as the mutual fact is known that we’re immiscible in any capacity. In a brief conversation that can only be described as abusive, I found myself wondering, ‘Just who is the bigger man, and what determines that?’ While there is no good answer and either side will come up with their own answer I believe the best option was the ‘block’ button at least for now, and extensive evasion in situation where we may meet, though the other side of the coin and I rightly feel that I know enough about the person in question, would feel that my death is the best option. And in all honesty I do feel correct in my assumptions here. Though as to who is the bigger man? So far as I am concerned it is neither of us as one personality has a superiority complex as well as extensive issues relating to basic manners, in my opinion anyway. And I have chosen the avoidance option, however, that is of course after trying to deal with the issues in a polite manner. Sure, there are people that will never get along, yet nobody need be hostile, to do so is only a waste of effort. All conflicts are avoidable; I’ve been a firm believer in that for many years. As for my other mistakes, they’re all of a more general nature, nothing worth talking about really so I’ll just move on to the next topic then.

As far as things that are going right, well this is where things feel like that cool breeze after a hard work out on a blisteringly hot day. For one, I’ve managed to get my girlfriend a few perfect gifts for her Birthday/Valentine’s day, which I am actually quite proud of. While you needn’t know exactly what said gifts were, know that they were of a more thoughtful nature, and while not complete surprises to her they couldn’t have been more appreciated. Something else that is going right, at least potentially. I used to be a photography major in college, or at least was on that track, major or not I have more than enough skill to do what needs to be done in an artistic and professional manner. And considering I live in the Tokyo area now it makes perfect sense to attend the 12^th Japan Fashion week as an International Photographer. Pictures will be posted here of course, I also plan on contacting a few newspapers to try and sell the fruits of my labor, and well hopefully I’ll be successful in that regard. In not I’ll simply gain a slight amount of experience in Fashion Photography over the two days that I’ll be able to attend Fashion week. Sure, I am spending a bit on equipment, new lens, monopod, quick release base for the monopod, and some lens filters, perhaps a new flash thrown in there, but it will increase the scope of what I’ll be able to do so far as my longer range photography is concerned. So for me, either way, being able to attend it or not it is a win/win. Or at least is according to where I stand, as much as I’d love both new equipment and being able to attend fashion week (I’m already registered as an official photographer) I’ll take either of those options any day of the week. Other things that are going right include my cooking and fitness. I've been experimenting with cooking, fish predominantly as it's cheap and i know how to cook it, at least for the basics. The experimenting comes form the side dishes I make. Week one that i cooked the side dish was Matsutake mushrooms and apples cooked in cider, which came out excellent. And just this Sunday the side dish was carrots and mushrooms cooked in white wine, with the same type of fish for the meat. In all honesty I'd love to share my cooking, yet i don't know anyone willing to try my cooking. I promise, I won't kill you. For having an under equipped kitchen set, and improvising my dishes and preparation utensils, I do have a great eye for ingredients and how to cook things, note that I do everything off the cuff, so if you want to try my cooking and don't mind a chef that experiments, and live in my dorm, let me know, i'll cook dinner for you.

I’ll close with this because I’d rather you not have to read more than about 1000 words for this post. Nobody is perfect, nothing goes flawlessly, and opinions are always wrong looking from the perspective of someone else. My suggestion is simple here, do what you feel is right, legal, and just, you’ve lived as you should, people can tell you how to live according to their views on right and wrong, but they aren’t you, nobody is you, none of you are me, and all of us are always wrong according to someone.