I'm going through changes...

Well, I’ve been going through some changes in my life. I know what you’re thinking.. ‘He’s hit puberty finally!’ Ah…no…no that’s not it at all you jokers you. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching since the 11^th and since the 13^th as well, just about everything in general. I’ve slowly begun to realize that some motives I’ve had have been more petty than anything else, and that’s going to change, no seriously. I’ve realized that while I’m not a medal chaser, or a skirt chaser my goals in being in have been for positive recognition. Actually got my ego sated the other day when during a talk with a Japanese man he called the United states and I quote ‘you USA you big damn hero country, thank you.’ It broke my heart to not just be able to say that well ‘im getting out’.

So there it is I am indeed getting out, sure it’s early but I was never a good fit as a mechanic, and hell I know it, Doesn’t mean that I didn’t try to do my best and to be a positive force at work. Who knows maybe it’s for the best for everyone else. I don’t know about everyone else though. For me, I’m still searching for ‘the best’ for me and I’m going back to photography to try and find myself. Yes I said it I said ‘try and find myself’, and I don’t mean in a washed out and dropped out, do a lot of illegal drugs manner. I’m legitimately going to try getting a job as a photographer and I am actually already in the process of job hunting and resume/portfolio building. I’ve already begun to pad my portfolio with pictures from Ueno Park and the Imperial Palace. That coupled with some of the other work I’ve done, while not likely a plethora of selection, I believe quite strongly that it is a varied and strong portfolio. All I need is a little more portrait work in it and I’ll be fine.

If I could have done thing differently in my short career in the military it’s this, put my foot down. I shouldn’t have debated it with my recruiter, I should have gone for photography hands down, and that’s it. While it’s nice being stationed as a mechanic in Japan, I’d much rather do what I love at my job, instead of only loving parts of my job. Though I will say this, I did encounter an actual ‘work’ side to my photography over the last two days in the editing and post. Nothing could have made the editing and marking of 1229 pictures any easier. Things have been made easier though as I’ve got a good friend that has decided to let me host a website on his server and that’s exactly what I am doing. Once the site is operational you can find me here.

http://www.verseless-photography.com/

Yeah that’s right verseless photography. I’m a brand now people. Right now the site just has a mess of redirect and search links on it, but that’s because it isn’t operational yet, right now my goals are thus, network, commercialize myself, and sell my work either solo or to an employer. Now…that said, if anyone wishes to purchase any of my work before the site goes operation shoot me an e-mail at tower.007@hotmail .com and we can talk. So here’s my flickr link http://www.flickr.com/photos/58409124@N03/ and here’s some gratuitous (and watermarked) pictures.

Change and consequences

Things need to change, and they need to change now or my time in Japan is up in 90 days. I know making this public may be seen as an illogical step for some, but I am not doing this to be brooding and melodramatic, I am doing this to open up and hopefully remove some weight from my chest. Hopefully this works, writing has always been therapeutic for me. Some may see this as a cry for help, and it is to some degree, but I am not suicidal. I have psychological issues, not stupid issues.

Back in May, May 13^th 200 9 at about 1:30 Pm, I was making a left hand turn on a back country road when I was struck by a motorcycle. I’d done everything right, stopped, signaled, looked in all directions at least twice and I proceeded on when that motorcycle flew over the crest of the hill while I was in the middle of my turn and there was nothing I could have done. After checking myself over and not feeling anything I proceeded to force my car door open and check on the motorcyclists. Rushing over to them like any good first responder I did everything the Air force had trained me to do, check for consciousness, breathing, circulation. I got as far as consciousness when the man that lived by the road came to assist; shortly thereafter I called my father and my Supervisor to let them know the situation. I’d called an ambulance while checking on the people.

The woman died at the scene and the driver died while being airlifted to a hospital. I’m proud of myself that I tried to help. But what will really stay with me wasn’t pulling glass out of my own arm, not seeing my car totaled, not the surrealism of calling my father to let him know what happened, but looking into the eyes of that man as he lay there on the asphalt. Looking into those blue grey eyes wide with shock has stayed with me since then and still affects me to this day.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from this incident and it is affecting me. To say that things are easy for me as far as dealing with it would be a lie as it’s affected me professionally even though I told myself that it hadn’t. Sure I’ve been sleeping well for all I know, and my appetite hasn’t been affected by it, but it has made an impact on me, One that may cost me my career in the Air Force. My command believes, and I agree, that this has affected me in all aspects of my professional life. As I said, I agree with that I need to sort out my anger issues, continue to seek help for my PTSD, and finish my upgrade training as well as proving that I’m a good person and a good Airman. I have 90 days before I go up before the MAJCOM and they decide my future in the Air Force, that if I do not show great improvement within those 90 days. But what really gets my goat is that my supervision feels that I may be a danger to myself or others. I may have psychological issues, but I don’t have stupid issues.

My immediate issue is this, personal faith. I know that people always say ‘if you can believe it you can do it”, Bullsh**. Someone can say something all they want and have it not make a lick of difference without true and honest faith in oneself. I do not have that faith in myself, not anymore. What I need to do is find that faith from someplace or from someone and I have a good idea who those someone’s are that might be able to help me. I will do everything I can to speak with them and find the inspiration I need. It may take time, I may have found it already and not noticed, but you know what? I’ll do everything I can to forge a new me.

So to you all I say good bye. While such a thing has a final ring to it, and I have a pragmatic, bordering on fatalistic view of things, this is not a good bye to this mortal coil, merely a good bye to this life as I know it now. I will be reborn a new man tomorrow morning, not one wallowing in self-doubt and guilt but one looking forward for inspiration. I’ve already found some trying to piece it all together, I have to just get through it all and forge myself into somebody new. I say good bye to you now as the old Matthew, and hello to you as the new.