It has been a very long time since my
last entry, and as only a few of your know, I now live in Las Vegas,
and have since October of 2011 after getting out of the Air Force. As
far as why I'm out? Well, that is simply down to personal faults,
namely, pride. While I have indeed read the story of Icarus and knew
the dangers of hubris. Pride was the downfall of Icarus and so was my
downfall. Those of you that know me closest know the story, and very
few will ever be privy to it here. But more importantly is my
Birthday. Now, the reason why I bring this up, is very simply the
fact that I feel that I have already achieved the most important act
that I can be a part of.
Im twenty five, and the high point of
my life was when I was twenty two years old, in March of 2011. I
played a small part in the earthquake relief in Japan, and today I
find myself in the shadow of my younger and dumber self. If I had not
been as full of hubris as I was, I'd not have that event in my life,
and because of that, my own ghost haunts me.
This is magnified by other things,
several of which affect me every day. I have a strong desire for
validation and recognition to the point where it affects my 'friends'
and family to the point where I seem to ignore what I get from
family, certainly something that bothers me, but at the very least
then I realize this. I am not quite sure where this neediness comes
from, but it is there. Seemingly tied in with this is what I tend to
put on for show as a fairly gregarious personality, all an act.
Unfortunately, I do tend to get caught up in my personality and can
become offensively clingy, see validation. I can be honestly happy
with my friends, my real ones, you know who you are, but with the
others, at work, out and about, its an act. The very fact that my
personality is a construct, can deeply bother me at times. And
finally at the end of it, a very strong sense of paranoia. Due to
having been trod on so many times by other people and through failed
endeavors, I firmly believe in never trusting anything until it
happens. The last thing that I tend to tryst in life is someone that
promises and then doesn't deliver. I understand that life happens
every now and again, but very few people make it up after the failure
happens. I do realize that for the most part I am far too bitter,
and far concluded in my beliefs too be as young as I am.
Now, on the bright side, at least I am
able to realize my faults, and simply put I can work on those. There
is one good thing about this, the very fact that I am unable to work
on these at the moment does not mean that I am without hope, as few
people realize a good portion of their faults, of course that could
be a sort of hubris too, I am not quite sure. My sister recently
posted a song to her facebook page “Let it go”, and I've been
listening to it over and over. And sure, I'm not a Disney princess, I
can't go from fearing my past to rejoicing in the freedom of
shuffling off responsibility in a small musical number, but, well,
maybe I should try it? Really, what's the worst that could happen?
Maybe if I can finally let go of my paranoia, that all of it will
eventually just fall away like so many snowflakes in a gust.
Anyway, here you go, I wish that I could say that i'm not looking for
validation, but I am, and the most likely thing that'll happen,is
that I'll just ignore it, so there's that.
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