Justice?

With recent events that have transpired tonight I find myself asking if justice has been done. Who knows maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. I’ve received the punishment coming to me and I am unsure if it is fair or not. I know that punishment of sorts can be light every now and again and this time it feels that way, admittedly being restricted to base for 30 days hurts me quite a bit. I won’t be able to photograph at the Fashionweek and because of that I will not be able to take the pictures and sell them to (insert name of fashion magazine) so I can kiss a very conservative few hundred good bye right then and there. And oh yeah, the Cherry blossom festivals so yeah I’ll need to get creative with my work on base in such a way to edit out any overly identifying features and still produce high quality work that I intend on selling.

The other hit comes in a demotion; it’s mostly the symbolism that hurts me the most. Sure I’ll be losing roughly 5,000 USD over the course of the time it’ll take to gain my rank back but if I play my cards right with photography I can make more than that. Huge IF there. BUT what really hurts me is the symbolism of being demoted, and it is the commanders reasoning that ‘I cannot be trusted’ that really hits hard for me. I have tried hard to prove that I can be trusted; I always try to show that I am a good person, and that I have personal responsibility, but being told that I can’t be trusted stings. It’s hard to not take that as an insult but I must look at things objectively and from my Commanders view point. I realize that punishment was absolutely necessary in order to instill the proper behavior, but to be called untrustworthy is something else that I cannot adequately describe.

I do not feel angry though; all I feel really is a mix of disappointment, confusion, and satisfaction. I feel disappointment because I have let many people including myself down to levels that feel like God’s disappointment in Lucifer when he was cast down. The confusion stems from wondering whether or not this is all fair, and either way I will be discussing this with legal as such things are too complex for those untrained in the legal profession to decide adequately. I want to appeal the loss of m rank, but someplace in the back of my mind is against that, and another part of me is curious if that is just a sense of selfishness taking over the old ‘but it’s mine’ mentality left in all of us from our childhood days. I thought I’d outgrown that, and there’s another part of my disappointment in myself, that I don’t yet seem to be fully matured into an adult yet based on how I feel when something of mine is taken away, and finally the satisfaction, of a morbid sense of affirmative premonition. I was both wrong and right about a few things I was right that I haven’t been stuck in jail, I was right that meeting with my commander face to face may have helped, and I was right that a discharge isn’t pending, (sorry for those of you who hate me). Those are the petty reasons for satisfaction again, the rest are a little more sadomasochistic, from here on out since I’ve been kicked to the bottom of the pit I am satisfied that every positive action I accomplish will help me climb out of it, I am satisfied that I will continue to serve at least for a time through all of that the overriding sense of myself right now is one of ‘doom and gloom’ partly brought on by a very small amount of soju. I have said it before that I am disappointed in myself at my actions, absolutely I am, and I feel that my time in the military is swiftly running out, and it very likely is, but I’ll try to do a good job as that’s all that I can do.

All of that said I’ll try to not let my situation, or others, get the better of me. If I start walking around in a deep funk somebody please slap me upside the head and tell me to shape up. But by the same token I don’t intend to take any s*** from anyone. If you wish to give me any run it by my supervisor. I’ve worked hard to get my anger issues under control and I’ve been better at it, but I will not allow anything to resurface due to what happened with me. You want to give me any bad vibes here go ahead and do so; they make ‘delete’ buttons for a reason. If you work with me you know who is in charge of me so take it up with them, I won’t take anyone’s disrespect nor will I dish any.

Now, hopefully for a change of pace and topic…..I’ll …I can’t really think of anything aside from the fact I’ll have the opportunity to finally finish Don Quixote, Atlas Shrugged, and the plethora of other pieces of literature I am currently working through. I’ll also have the chance to refine my photography skills, and again everything from here on out will be obnoxiously watermarked as I intend to use my work as a source of supplementary income. While I am typically against the use of artwork in commercialization and for pure monetary gain, it seems that I may have to move in that direction, and for once I have no issue with ‘selling out’ especially as the most I’ll likely be is a freelancer. There’s no ‘selling out’ if you don’t get a regular paycheck from someone. But ah well, guess I’ll just have to learn to love pissing off hipsters and skillfully maneuvering around copyright laws.