Change and consequences

Things need to change, and they need to change now or my time in Japan is up in 90 days. I know making this public may be seen as an illogical step for some, but I am not doing this to be brooding and melodramatic, I am doing this to open up and hopefully remove some weight from my chest. Hopefully this works, writing has always been therapeutic for me. Some may see this as a cry for help, and it is to some degree, but I am not suicidal. I have psychological issues, not stupid issues.

Back in May, May 13^th 200 9 at about 1:30 Pm, I was making a left hand turn on a back country road when I was struck by a motorcycle. I’d done everything right, stopped, signaled, looked in all directions at least twice and I proceeded on when that motorcycle flew over the crest of the hill while I was in the middle of my turn and there was nothing I could have done. After checking myself over and not feeling anything I proceeded to force my car door open and check on the motorcyclists. Rushing over to them like any good first responder I did everything the Air force had trained me to do, check for consciousness, breathing, circulation. I got as far as consciousness when the man that lived by the road came to assist; shortly thereafter I called my father and my Supervisor to let them know the situation. I’d called an ambulance while checking on the people.

The woman died at the scene and the driver died while being airlifted to a hospital. I’m proud of myself that I tried to help. But what will really stay with me wasn’t pulling glass out of my own arm, not seeing my car totaled, not the surrealism of calling my father to let him know what happened, but looking into the eyes of that man as he lay there on the asphalt. Looking into those blue grey eyes wide with shock has stayed with me since then and still affects me to this day.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from this incident and it is affecting me. To say that things are easy for me as far as dealing with it would be a lie as it’s affected me professionally even though I told myself that it hadn’t. Sure I’ve been sleeping well for all I know, and my appetite hasn’t been affected by it, but it has made an impact on me, One that may cost me my career in the Air Force. My command believes, and I agree, that this has affected me in all aspects of my professional life. As I said, I agree with that I need to sort out my anger issues, continue to seek help for my PTSD, and finish my upgrade training as well as proving that I’m a good person and a good Airman. I have 90 days before I go up before the MAJCOM and they decide my future in the Air Force, that if I do not show great improvement within those 90 days. But what really gets my goat is that my supervision feels that I may be a danger to myself or others. I may have psychological issues, but I don’t have stupid issues.

My immediate issue is this, personal faith. I know that people always say ‘if you can believe it you can do it”, Bullsh**. Someone can say something all they want and have it not make a lick of difference without true and honest faith in oneself. I do not have that faith in myself, not anymore. What I need to do is find that faith from someplace or from someone and I have a good idea who those someone’s are that might be able to help me. I will do everything I can to speak with them and find the inspiration I need. It may take time, I may have found it already and not noticed, but you know what? I’ll do everything I can to forge a new me.

So to you all I say good bye. While such a thing has a final ring to it, and I have a pragmatic, bordering on fatalistic view of things, this is not a good bye to this mortal coil, merely a good bye to this life as I know it now. I will be reborn a new man tomorrow morning, not one wallowing in self-doubt and guilt but one looking forward for inspiration. I’ve already found some trying to piece it all together, I have to just get through it all and forge myself into somebody new. I say good bye to you now as the old Matthew, and hello to you as the new.